My bilateral mastectomy with partial reconstruction is coming up in two days and … I don’t want to. My anxiety level is about 492-million-and-67. I know that I have triple negative, invasive, aggressive breast cancer. I know that my BRCA tests were positive. I know that I have a rich family history of breast cancer. I know that I am young (35) to have cancer. I know that breast cancer has been a “repeat offender” to some of the women in my family and that the mastectomy is the best way to possibly prevent it from returning. But … I’m 35 years old. I’m single. I’m a mom. This is so hard. I’ve already committed to the surgery, but I don’t want to do it. I want to back out. I want to turn back the hands of time to a time when I was happy, blissful and just living my life – cancer free. Why did this have to happen?
I need to get these thoughts out of my head but I can’t. I hate to say things are “fair” and “not fair” but I feel like this is so unfair. I have sacrificed so much in my life, I help people when I can, I have devoted my life to being the best mom I can be … and now, I might die of cancer? I have to have my breasts removed so I can hopefully not die. It’s not fair.
My last day in the office was on Friday and they had a wonderful send off for me and got me some amazing gifts. I am blessed at how supportive my company, colleagues and client site have been. They have been wonderful and have kept a lot of stress off of me … and they didn’t let me sit around feeling sorry for myself. When I was at work, they kept me busy and didn’t treat me like a patient or anything – it was great!
Then today a good friend of mine and my aunt had flowers delivered. I LOVE flowers, but I really suck at keeping them alive. Thank God my mom and sister are here to help me! My friends and family have also been sending cards and gifts; it really means the world to me to feel so loved.
We also took a trip down to the National Harbor today and I got my mom, son and sister to ride the Ferris wheel! My sister was game, but mom and Aiden were freaking out. It’s really not bad, it’s enclosed, plays music, is climate controlled, and doesn’t rock like those rickety Ferris wheels at the circus. If you’re ever in the DC area, I definitely recommend a trip to the National Harbor. They have a lot of cool things to do and they’re also opening a new MGM Casino in December, that’ll be cool. Maybe once I put all of this behind me, I can go there and try my luck. Hopefully my future luck will be better than my current luck.
Well, I guess I should get some sleep … it’s almost surgery day and I have so much to do. Did I mention I really, really don’t want to have this surgery?!? Stupid cancer.