Mastectomy in Two Days

My bilateral mastectomy with partial reconstruction is coming up in two days and … I don’t want to. My anxiety level is about 492-million-and-67. I know that I have triple negative, invasive, aggressive breast cancer. I know that my BRCA tests were positive. I know that I have a rich family history of breast cancer. I know that I am young (35) to have cancer. I know that breast cancer has been a “repeat offender” to some of the women in my family and that the mastectomy is the best way to possibly prevent it from returning. But … I’m 35 years old. I’m single. I’m a mom. This is so hard. I’ve already committed to the surgery, but I don’t want to do it. I want to back out. I want to turn back the hands of time to a time when I was happy, blissful and just living my life – cancer free. Why did this have to happen?

I need to get these thoughts out of my head but I can’t. I hate to say things are “fair” and “not fair” but I feel like this is so unfair. I have sacrificed so much in my life, I help people when I can, I have devoted my life to being the best mom I can be … and now, I might die of cancer? I have to have my breastsgifts2 removed so I can hopefully not die. It’s not fair.

My last day in the office was on Friday and they had a wonderful send off for me and got me some amazing gifts. I am blessed at how supportive my company, colleagues and client site have been. They have been wonderful and have kept a lot of stress off of me … and they didn’t let me sit around feeling sorry for myself. When I was at work, they kept me busy and didn’t treat me like a patient or anything – it was great!gifts

Then today a good friend of mine and my aunt had flowers delivered. I LOVE flowers, but I really suck at keeping them alive. Thank God my mom and sister are here to help me! My friends and family have also been sending cards and gifts; it really means the world to me to feel so loved.

We also took a trip down to the National Harbor today and I got my mom, son and sister to ride the Ferris wheel!  My sister was game, but mom and Aiden were freaking out. It’s really not bad, it’s enclosed, plays music, is climate controlled, and doesn’t rock like those rickety Ferris wheels  at the circus. If you’re ever in the DC area, I definitely recommend a trip to the National Harbor. They have a lot of cool things to do and they’re also opening a new MGM Casino in December, that’ll be cool. Maybe once I put all of this behind me, I can harborgo there and try my luck. Hopefully my future luck will be better than my current luck.

Well, I guess I should get some sleep … it’s almost surgery day and I have so much to do. Did I mention I really, really don’t want to have this surgery?!? Stupid cancer.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s