Trying to Find My New Identity

Today I’m really trying to get it together. I feel sad for so many reasons, yet, no reasons at all.

I really wanted to attend the Women’s March on Washington because I live only about 30 minutes away, but I am fighting off a cold and the sheer thought of being surrounded by hundreds of thousands of people terrifies me. I’m so amazed at how a small, local event turned into an amazing international movement.

I feel empowered by these women and even motivated to make a difference in my own way.

After surviving breast cancer, though, I’m still having a hard time bouncing back to the “same old Dana” as before. But I think part of the reason I’m struggling with that is that I’m NOT the same Dana as before. I’m different and I’m trying to find my new identity.

untitledI really hope I can find it soon because I don’t  like who I am right now. I used to be this independent, strong, outspoken, happy, outgoing, confident woman. Now, I am a self-conscious, quiet, reserved, sad woman. I second guess every decision I make.  I’m lonely, but when I get invited by old friends to hang out or do something I decline because I’m so embarrassed to see them. I don’t want them to see how much weight I’ve put on, my short hair, no breasts, or just the sadness in my eyes. It’s also so “people-y” out there and I’m dealing with social anxiety. I feel safe at home alone, but I feel so alone at home alone. I’m conflicted.

I had a conversation with an old friend just yesterday who told me how happy and great I looked in all my pictures on Facebook. I told him, “anyone can fake being happy for a few seconds.” But the thing is, I’m tired of pretending to be happy. I want to actually be happy and I just don’t know what it’s going to take to get there. I’m prayerful that I will figure it out soon. 





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