Today I’m really trying to get it together. I feel sad for so many reasons, yet, no reasons at all.
I really wanted to attend the Women’s March on Washington because I live only about 30 minutes away, but I am fighting off a cold and the sheer thought of being surrounded by hundreds of thousands of people terrifies me. I’m so amazed at how a small, local event turned into an amazing international movement.
I feel empowered by these women and even motivated to make a difference in my own way.
After surviving breast cancer, though, I’m still having a hard time bouncing back to the “same old Dana” as before. But I think part of the reason I’m struggling with that is that I’m NOT the same Dana as before. I’m different and I’m trying to find my new identity.
I really hope I can find it soon because I don’t like who I am right now. I used to be this independent, strong, outspoken, happy, outgoing, confident woman. Now, I am a self-conscious, quiet, reserved, sad woman. I second guess every decision I make. I’m lonely, but when I get invited by old friends to hang out or do something I decline because I’m so embarrassed to see them. I don’t want them to see how much weight I’ve put on, my short hair, no breasts, or just the sadness in my eyes. It’s also so “people-y” out there and I’m dealing with social anxiety. I feel safe at home alone, but I feel so alone at home alone. I’m conflicted.
I had a conversation with an old friend just yesterday who told me how happy and great I looked in all my pictures on Facebook. I told him, “anyone can fake being happy for a few seconds.” But the thing is, I’m tired of pretending to be happy. I want to actually be happy and I just don’t know what it’s going to take to get there. I’m prayerful that I will figure it out soon.