It’s always hard for me to talk about love and relationships, but it’s something, I think everyone wants. I know it’s something I’ve wanted for a long time, especially as I get older. I’ve been single for years – I mean, I’ve dated, but nothing of any substance.
For the past year dating wasn’t even on my mind, I was focusing on not dying and just trying to make it through chemo. Now that my cancer is in remission, I am eating right and exercising, and finally picking up the pieces of my life, I often wonder – will I ever be able to date again? I mean, I know I possess the ability, but will a man ever find me desirable or want to date me again?
My friends (God bless them) always tell me that if a man truly loves me he will find me desirable … Well, first, that’s easy to say when your full body is intact the way God made it, and second … I have to get my foot in the door for them to actually get to know me to love me …
As humans, we have to first be attracted physically to someone before we determine if there is an interest there … but if my body is misshaped, how do I do that?
I have put on some weight – I have control over that. I am now eating right and making exercise my priority. I have scars across my chest where my breasts used to be – but I have very little control over that – I am making my second attempt at breast reconstruction next month. But it’s not the fancy boob job that people think. At all.
If my body doesn’t reject the expanders again, I will have breasts (that hopefully look and feel ok), they should cover these damn scars across my chest, but I still won’t have nipples – I can get 3D nipples tattooed on, but it’s still just a tattoo. Also, my chest is constantly numb so I have no sensation, and it will not ever come back. It’s fine for having my shirt on, but men are visual creatures … will a man ever find that attractive?
Telling me “If he doesn’t, he isn’t worth it!” is really less than helpful. I can’t really be mad or blame someone who doesn’t want a deformed woman.
I have spoken with women who were worried their husbands wouldn’t find them attractive after a mastectomy, it’s a thing.
We have lost one of the features that make up our womanhood – our breasts. From the first second on earth, babies are held against their mother’s bosom for comfort, it feeds/fuels them; and our breasts are part of our sexuality. But now mine are gone – forever. I will have a fake chest that I will have to learn to love … and find someone else who can do the same.
When I was younger, healthier, and had my boobs I couldn’t find anyone … now … I sort of feel like I am destined to be alone … and that makes me sad.
I do my best to focus on the positive – I survived breast cancer – and I am happy and very blessed, but it would be nice to have someone to share that happiness and my blessings with – and my son and dog don’t count! I’m talking about intimate love. But I remain hopeful I’ll find someone, one day who will be able look beyond all my scars.